“Fire Ants Invade Lady’s Printer In Canyon: Hysterics Follow”

My anxiety-ridden, dysfunctional relationship with nature continues. Rats. Snakes (real & perceived). A multitude of spiders. And now, fire ants and their ever-so-disgusting maggot-like eggs.

I’m ready to move to a high-rise building in the city.

“You’re not scared of a few ants?” you ask.

“Oh, you just wait until you hear this story,” I reply, flapping my arms as if to shake any invaders off. A shiver runs up my spine.

Yesterday, I decided I wanted to use the scanner feature on my All-In-One printer. I’ve had the printer for 18 months but was always intimidated by its scanning functionality. Who isn’t, right? But being that the world has gone digital (and that I want to stay relevant in this constantly-evolving state), I decided it was time to transform all my legal contracts into digital copies.

Very tech-forward of me, no?

I opened the lid of the printer and what to my wondering eyes should appear? A colony of frickin’ fire ants (and their transparent rice-kernel eggs) living underneath the glass of my scanner. 50 of them. A Queen Ant. A bunch of busy work ants. Maggot-like eggs by the dozens.

AAACCCKKKKKK!

Then:

1. I screamed again

2. Took a photo of it (yup…)

3. Ran the printer outside

4. Let it sit in the driveway until the kids came home

5. Showed my kids (cause they LOVE gross stuff)

6. Tossed the whole damn thing in the trash can

That Canon Company, what will they think of next? All the while I’ve been printing out my daily To Do lists, a colony of biting ants has been thriving in the machine. That’s taking “multi-functioning” to a whole new level. Serious “Thinking-Outside-The-Box” going on at the company.

Fire Ants, in case you didn’t know, rarely make their home in modern pieces of technology. They usually prefer moist outdoor locations. But then again, nature and I don’t exactly have a typical relationship. Clearly, the universe is trying to send me a message. Humans must learn to cohabitate with nature. Humans must stop the destruction of animal habitats.

Well, universe. I have a message back.

Get the F*&#%$K out of my printer.