The newest “As if I don’t have enough on my plate already” scientific study is out today. Let me save you the 7 minutes to read it.

Eating anything made with processed sugar (in the form of corn syrup) messes up your brain function.

Yup. They have the rats to prove it. You eat sugar? You an idiot. Say yes to that slice o’ birthday cake? Might as well let them take a swing at your head with the pinata stick. Coca Cola? One-way ticket to failing out of Community College. Banana Split? You be one dumb monkey.

So, let’s add it to our list, shall we?

THINGS TO DO to be smarter & healthier:

1.) Exercise every day

Oops. Meant to take that power walk but there’s so much on my Totefish To Do list. I swear, I’ll show up for tennis clinic tomorrow. And maybe I won’t be late. Or have to leave early.

2.) Sleep 7 – 8 hours every night

Well, started reading email before going to bed, then surfed web for an hour, then son had pee accident and husband woke me twice with his snores.

3.) Drink 6 – 8 glasses of water every day

What’s the word on drinking out of a BPA-laden plastic water bottle that sat in a hot, sunny car all week? Another cup of coffee, anyone?

4.) Eat fruit and veggies every day

On no. Forgot to buy them at the Farmer’s Market. And I didn’t wash them. Wait, I did wash them but, oh no, the tap water has higher-than-recommended concentrations of arsenic. Is that bad?

5.) Find time to relax, get calm and “do nothing”

So, it appears that while meditating, I forgot to pick up the kids from the bus-stop, swing by the grocery store to buy dinner, return that phone call to the new JAVA engineer, book the train tickets for the summer vacation and map out a legit strategy for customer acquisitions and oh, no, doesn’t Kendall have an orthodontist appointment?? Shit, shit, shit.

6.) Don’t consume caffeine, sugar, alcohol, drugs or cigarettes

You see, I was at Whole Foods the other night and they only sell things that are good for you (right?) and yeah, I just walked through the kitchen to get a glass of a water and there was a box of Whole Foods chocolate-covered raisins and yeah, what I need now is a little sugar-pick-me-up. Who wouldn’t shove a handful into their mouth? No one’s watching, right? Oh no. What’s happening? My list isn’t done but me no ‘member how to typ…