2014 is nearly over. Digital sophistication is at its highest and yet, people are giving themslves dumb titles on their Linked In resumes.

I’m 17+ hours into my outbound recruiting effort (code for “I’m a start-up in a competitive job environment where the words Oogle, ‘Nterest and Prime Shipping are not part of my company name and thus, I’m left to target, stalk and cajole top-tier talent to come work with me on my grand vision with unsolicited yet clever and genuine emails”) and I’m tired.

Not of the search, mind you.

I like reading through people’s’ resumes, searching for the diamond-in-the-rough, the outside-the-box-thinker-screaming-to-be-let-out-of-the-box, the undervalued high-performer. It’s total arm-chair psychology from the safe distance of an internet connection.

I’m tired of bad decisions made by others.

In today’s day-and-age, with the mind-boggling array of career advice blogs, how is it possible that anyone would post a less-than-professional job title on their Linked In profile? Sure, you’ll get attention — but so does the kid who farts in the back of classroom. Maybe I’m a stick-in-the-mud Founder & CEO-type but cute & corny or wacky & irreverent doesn’t make me want to work with you.

Here’s what I’m talking about. Below is a collection of entries I found in REAL resumes on Linked In.

I couldn’t make them up. The titles are real. The snarky “aka” commentary… that’s mine:

Rainmaker

aka “Maker of a long stint in unemployment”

Change Agent

aka “Ex-Bank Teller”

Serial Entrepreneur

aka “I’m-still-looking-for-the-idea-that-works Entrepreneur”

Addict at Pinterest

aka “Recipe clipper, fashion wannabe, who-am-I-kidding-I’m-never-gonna-remodel-the-bathroom & I -should-be-learning-a-new-language Waster at Time”

Thinker

aka “I was going to write ‘Breather’ but that seemed too obvious”

Deep Thinker

aka “I ain’t just a Thinker”

Social Media Guru

aka “Really? Guru? It’s 2012 & I just read a tweet that said your yoga mat was on fire”

All Around Technologist

aka “All Around Bullshit Artist”

Gun For Hire

aka “Watcher of too many Hollywood movies”

Brain Child & Captain

aka “Founder of My-Mom-Still-Makes-My-Dinners-&-Folds-My-Laundry”

Self Starter & Finisher

aka “Masturbation Expert”

Online Adventurer

aka “Gold Member of the Self Starter & Finishers chat room

If you recognize one of these titles from your resume, I’m sorry to be so harsh. But I’m here to tell you what your spineless friends won’t — delete the cutsy. Go staid. Go boring. Go professional.

#favorite