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  • Deborah

Simple Rules for Monday Nights

Born out of real-life experience, here is what I suggest you do on Monday nights:

1.) Don’t order a caffe latte at the restaurant at 9:30 pm. You’ll regret it at 2 am.

2.) Oops.

3.) Find ways to amuse yourself quietly so as not to wake husband & kids.

4.) Don’t Facebook search ex-boyfriends. Acting like a stalker never makes anyone feel good. Even if he's now bald and his wife has a horse-face and thick thighs.

5. ) Don't measure your thighs.

6.) Don’t Linked In search ex-bosses. You'll just end up muttering to yourself about how stupid can people really be??!!

7.) Do surf a lot of shoe sites. Thoughtfully choose shoes and put them in your shopping cart even thought you know you're never going to buy them. Imagining yourself in those Jimmy Choo's is better than actually owning them. No blisters or pinchy toes.

8.) Don’t answer when you husband murmurs, “What time is it?” He’s really asleep.

9.) Do give yourself a mud-mask facial.

10.) Do shake your head “no” when your son stands in the doorway and asks, “Is it morning time yet?” & don’t explain the mud on your face. He’s really asleep, too. Walk him back to his bed, tuck him in and steal two neck kisses.

11.) Don’t attempt to give yourself a Brazilian bikini wax. Ever!

12.) Do pull out the first chapter of your incomplete novel from the armoire.

13.) Don’t read it.

14.) Do curse Hemingway, Stephen King, Dr. Seuss and any other damn prolific writer you’ve heard someone praise.

15.) Don’t say anything when you husband says, “Huh?” He’s still asleep. Really.

16.) Do read your past blog posts and tell yourself you’re not the world's worst, terrible writer. Not really. You’ve got potential. Kinda. Maybe. Please??!!

17.) Don’t wonder if your followers are only following you because they’re your friends and they’re afraid you’ll know when they unfollow you and then, wow, won’t that be awkward at the next Christmas Cookie swap party.

18.) Do send your followers chocolates in the mail. Guilt is real. And it works. Just ask your Mom.

19.) Do know that you’re fucked in three hours when the kids come and ask you to make their lunches because it really will be morning time and you'll have only slept, oh shit, 3 hours.

20.) Don’t post that blog list you dashed off in a moment of 2 am inspiration ’cause anything that seems witty at 2:44 am is certainly not witty at 8 am.

21.) Oops.


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